Today I was supposed to finish off Part 2 of the post I shared last week on depression. (Read it here.) It was going to be all about what we need to do when we see or think someone is suffering from the disease.
Instead, this morning as I was driving my school bus (something I do part-time to support my ministry habit) I found myself focusing on hurts from my past, rejections I had felt, and the times I have failed myself or someone else. I then followed that whole bizarre trail of thought with a mental checklist of all the things in my life that I need to fix or am behind on.
It was a long list. (Clean my house, write a book chapter, call my mother-in-law, lose weight, cut my hair, color my hair, study my homework, catch up the laundry, cook dinner…it went on and on and on.) I was being hard on myself. Technically, I knew better, but I did it anyway.
Instead of going home when I ended my route, I went to eat – something I’ve done my entire life when I’m sad or overwhelmed. I ended up eating a breakfast I didn’t need made of food I didn’t like all because I didn’t want to go home and be alone with my thoughts.
At one point I convinced myself that I was just having a “cranky day.” (Isn’t everyone entitled to one of those on occasion?) In fact, I was so cranky it was almost funny.
It wasn’t where anyone could hear me…but in my spirit I was critical and ugly and rude. When the waitress was slow to take my order, I muttered, “anytime lady” under my breath and eventually paid for my tea and went somewhere else. When the driver in front of me switched lanes without using his blinker, I slammed on my brakes, blared the horn and fussed out loud, “Well, why should I ever EXPECT anyone to use a blinker!” And on and on I went.
At one point I started laughing, “I’m turning into my mother.” I said to no one in particular. (She used to have an occasional cranky day too.)
But the truth was, I wasn’t following my own advice and I was allowing my focus to be in a place it shouldn’t. I’m very good at telling others how to overcome what ails them, be it depression or feeling blue. But there are some days when following that advice is just hard.
Taking a deep breath I acknowledged what I was feeling. Yes, I have hurts. Yes, I’ve been rejected. Yes, I’ve failed people on occasion, especially myself. (Haven’t we all?) All of that is true. But when I let my mind stay on those things I only feel sadness and longing. Refocusing my brain on the things I DO HAVE is what can change my perspective.
“I need some cranky blessings,” I said out loud to know one in particular. (Thankfully, by then I was in my office where talking to myself is considered normal.) “I crankily admit I need to focus on something besides myself,” I said with a giggle. “Help me Lord, to see what I do have instead of what I’m missing.”
Just then, I noticed eyes staring at me through the glass. It was Fritz, the neighborhood cat. He comes to visit me often and sticks his nose to my office window to make sure I’ll see him.
My smile got bigger. Here I was being cranky and he was begging me with his big green eyes to come out and play.
So I did. And while we snuggled on the back deck, I told him all the things I was grateful for…
…My husband, my kids, my relationship with Christ, a job (actually more than one), my family, my friends who are like family, the house I live in, the food in my refrigerator, the church I attend, being able to read, music, popcorn, butter (you have to be grateful for butter if you eat popcorn), animals – especially fluffy grey cats (he liked that), and my list went on and on.
These days, when the world is such a mess, it is easy to be aware of what I’m privileged to call normal. (Most days reading Facebook is enough to convince me of that.) While others are fighting to survive, I’m driving around my neighborhood worried about hurts from my past. They are real hurts; I don’t want to diminish them. But I also don’t have to focus on them everyday.
Cranky moments happen. But staying cranky is a choice. Learning to recognize and refocus on a few of those “cranky blessings” is a better option and leaves me much happier.
Thanks Fritz!
Thanks for the reminder to be thankful, Claudine! From one who can be “cranky” as well, I find it interesting how common our struggles are. We are so much alike. I see you as beautiful, talented, loving God and loving life. Someone who “has it all together,” and you are just as “real” as me! Thanks for sharing!! I love how you lift me up & make me feel “normal!” You are a blessing!
Oh goodness Sheri, you are sweet. My normal is obviously not what people strive for…but it’s who I am so I might as well embrace it. Thank you for all your encouragment…so glad that you are enjoying the blog. Holler when you are here next time — maybe we can meet for pizza. (Cause we both know where we can find good pizza!)