Part 2: Life After Depression – what I wish my friends and family had known

Depressed people are so…well, depressing.

It is hard to be around them and harder still to know what to say to them.  They bring down your mood and sap your energy. Being their friend is tiring too — they just wear you out. Harder still is being their family member — if you aren’t careful you’ll end up depressed right along with them. It is easy to just want to stay away. 

I know all of this because I was one of them…the depressed person and the family member.  It was not a happy time.

A few weeks ago I shared a post called “Life After Depression – or what I wish I’d known.” (Read it here.) In it I shared a tiny bit of our depression journey. That’s right…I said our.  Both my husband and I were clinically depressed at the same time.

I always tell people that the only thing worse than one person  clinically depressed in a house is two persons clinically depressed in a house. It was ugly and hard and seemed to last forever. (Actually just over a decade.)

These days I talk a lot about depression and its side effects. It is a subject I’m asked to speak about often and the topic I find myself having accidental conversations about in random places (like in the doctor’s office, at a restaurant with the waitress, or standing in the checkout at the grocery store.) I tell my husband that sometimes I think I’m a depression-magnet.  People seem to find me wherever I go.

The truth is, I don’t mind. I wish I would have had me to talk to all those years ago. (Ha, if you know me you know I talk to myself so I technically did have me to talk to.) What I mean is that I wish there had been someone who could have told me what to expect and to offer me some hope.

When I tell people that there can be life after depression their faces light up and it is not uncommon to see them take a deep breath of relief.  The idea that they might not have to live under the dark cloud forever is freeing.  Of course everyone is different and I’m not a doctor, so I can’t make any medical claims.  But I can tell you that I’ve known many people who were eventually able to escape from depression’s grip.  I think all who have would agree…it is hard to get there and you have to fight.  Having a support network of people who are willing to walk with you can make positive outcomes far more probable.

So how can you help someone struggling with depression? How can you help yourself? What can friends and family do? What can the church do? Is there really hope?

Here is what I wish my friends and family had known…

Understand that they can’t just “snap out of it.” 

People who have never been depressed have a hard time understanding this. If listening to happy music, thinking good thoughts or simply changing focus would work, don’t you think they would have done it already?

Those are good suggestions and can possibly help short-term. But since depression can affect both brain chemicals and body functions, asking them to snap out of it is like asking a cancer patient to get rid of their tumor. “Can’t you just make it go away?”

The answer is no. Don’t expect it and don’t make them feel worse for not being able to get through it on your timetable. Unless you have personally suffered from depression do not compare a down time you experienced to what they are going through.

Walk alongside them. 

Don’t be afraid. Loneliness and isolation are common during depression. They need someone who is willing to be physically present in their life. This means you visit them and get in their space. It is okay to say, “I don’t understand what you are going through, but I’m here. I’m not leaving. I will walk through this with you.”

Make time to listen (even though they often don’t want to talk.) Acknowledge what they are going through. Call it what it is. Ask simple questions like, “What can I do to help you today? What do you need?” If you don’t get an answer, don’t push. Often depressed people don’t know what they need, but they still want to know you care.

Notice their absence.  Send a card. Call them on the phone.  Drop by with a bag of groceries. I clearly remember the day my friend, Kathy, showed up on my doorstep and said, “I’m cleaning your house today.”  (It actually took her two days.) She saw a need we had and filled it. It was a tangible thing that showed us that someone noticed we were struggling.

Encourage them to get help. 

They need to see a physician (preferably one who understands integrative medicine) and a counselor. Assure them that both are normal and needed in the treatment of depression. Offer to drive them if they are afraid.

For us, having a doctor say, “I can help you” was encouraging.  Up until that moment we weren’t sure what was wrong with us.  It was freeing to realize that we were not alone and that others had blazed a trail through the wilderness of depression before us.

Make them feel needed.

I had worked in sales for years. During our depression I was no longer working every day and beginning to isolate myself.  My friend,  Donita, called me almost daily to ask how-would-you-do-this questions. (How would you handle this conflict? What would you advise for this client? What should I say to this person?) Technically, she already knew the answer. She just asked me because it gave her a reason to check on me.

I don’t know if either of us realized it at the time, but those questions kept me involved in work and allowed me to believe that I could still have a voice someday.  They helped me feel needed during a time when life seemed to be passing me by. Her questions were part of my old, normal, everyday life – a life I was doubting I would ever have again. Feeling needed allowed me to connect to the old self I thought I had lost.

Get them out of the house. 

Because they isolate so much it is important to try to get them outside of their comfort zone. Take them to a movie. Invite them to your home for dinner. (And yes, I know it is hard to get them to leave. Just keep asking.) What activities did they enjoy before depression? Try to find something that gets their attention so that they will want to leave what has become their safe place.

My husband’s depression lasted longer than mine. He was also extremely reclusive. One of the few ways I found to get him to leave the house was suggesting we take our dogs to the lake. He was still alone there, but he was no longer locked in the house. It soon became a twice a week event and one of the few things he would do away from our home.

Be Patient 

Healing from depression takes time.  We live in an instant society. We want them to take a pill and be well.  For a rare few it might happen that quickly, but, for most of us, it does not. Depression is far too complicated for it to be easy. Even if it started out due to a physical issue, the darkness and hopelessness will eventually make it mental and emotional as well.  Getting well is hard and usually involves more than one modality.

Reassure them that you are with them. Understand that they may sleep often and long, that they may want to be alone, and that they will often express guilt. Give them permission to take care of themselves. Allow them time to heal. Be patient, it takes time for their physical and emotional self to be in sync.

Remember what you liked about them in the first place. 

This one is hard. Sometimes you look at them and wonder, “where did my spouse go?” or “What happened to my friend?” They just don’t seem like the same person.

On the hard days when they are sad and tired and mean, when they isolate from you and won’t listen, remember the good moments.  Why were you drawn to have a relationship in the first place?

Shut your eyes and remember what life was like B.D. (before depression) If you can see them as they were, it becomes easier to treat them as they will be. Be careful to not lose sight of who they are…under all the pain.  Affirm what you appreciated in the first place. Don’t lose sight of who they are.

Don’t take it personally. 

Again, this one is hard. Bitter words, isolation, talk of suicide or leaving…are all things that hurt the ones they love.

When my husband was suicidal, I was angry and hurt. How could he even think about leaving us? Didn’t he love us anymore?

I eventually recognized that he wasn’t himself.  What I was hearing as a rejection of me and our son was really him believing a lie. He was telling us that we would be better off without him. But we were hearing that he didn’t need us. It really wasn’t personal…it was his pain speaking louder than the truth.

Choose Hope 

This was the most difficult part.  During my depression I made a choice to believe that I could get better.  It was a choice, it was not an emotion.  It was a daily decision.

During my husband’s depression, I had to do the same.  Again, it seemed hopeless.  He was in great physical and emotional pain.  Healing didn’t seem to be on the horizon. I decided to treat him like he was well. (Something I wish that others had done for me sooner.) Daily I would ask myself, if we were well, how would we be living our life?  Whenever possible, I acted like it was happening. Yes, he was still sick. Yes, I was play-acting. But the idea gave me energy and the ability to believe again.  I called it being proactive. I was choosing to walk in the direction I hoped we would go.  It was based on my faith in Christ.  Because I trusted HIM, I could choose to walk forward believing that there were better days ahead. (There were.)

Lastly, take care of you – especially if you are the primary care giver – don’t stop living just because they have. 

It is emotionally exhausting to walk alongside the depressed person. Make sure that you take care of yourself and do not isolate with them. What gives you energy?  Is it reading a good book, meaningful work, coffee with a friend? Find what it is and do that. Rest. Exercise.  Cultivate friendships away from your loved one. You are no good to them if you become depressed, too. Recognize your weariness and give yourself permission to take a break, even if it is just for a day.

There are no easy answers and the list I’ve just given you is far from complete. The truth is…walking alongside a depressed person takes effort, patience, intentionality and grit. It is a battle that is hard to see and even harder to fight.

But it’s worth it.  We are proof of that. 

(Coming soon — Part 3: What I wish our church had known. Visit www.claudinehenry.com under resources for depression/suicide hotlines and support numbers.)

Please comment. (But be respectful.) All of us have stories of friends and family that have struggled with this. Some of us are angry.  Some are sad. Most of us just want to be heard. Tell your story. We’re listening.