What I Used To Know

Well over a decade ago, four precious friends taught me a lesson.

We were in Phoenix, at a conference, and they noticed that I wasn’t being very kind to myself. I routinely made disparaging comments about what I was doing. Positive about every one else, it was only me that I struggled with.

All that week they worked with me to catch my negativity.

When I said, “If I can get anyone to actually follow me I might lead them somewhere,” I got an exasperated look from San.

When I said, “Sixty pounds ago I looked like that,” Carol just shook her head.

When I said, “I’m brain-dead today,” Marsha asked if she needed to tape my mouth shut.

When I made a comment about my wild hair, Cindy offered to cut it for me so I would feel better.

“What’s the deal?” I asked one day. “I know you love me so I can’t be all bad, can I?”

“Claudine, you aren’t bad at all,” Cindy reassured me. “In fact, about everything else you are incredibly positive. But when you talk about yourself you usually only say something that cuts you down or makes fun of something. You never measure up to your own standard and make jokes about yourself all the time.”  She paused for a moment and looked me straight in the eye. “And because we know you we can tell that you really don’t like yourself very much right now. You really should listen to how you talk.”

That week they gently taught me that how you talk to yourself REALLY does make a difference. (You can read the full story, “I Love Pantyhose” in my book, “Help! I’m Talking and I Can’t SHUT UP!”)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.

I was reading through my journal from last year. It wasn’t very full — I rarely sat down and took time to write out my thoughts and prayers. (I shared a bit about that in my blog two weeks ago, “Thirsty.”)

It was a hard year, too. The year before had been wonderful. But parts of last year were simply brutal. I spent most of the year feeling overwhelmed.

On most days, the litany that played in my head sounded like this…

I need to finish my book.

I need to update the blog.

I need to clean the kitchen.

I need to add more prayer time.

I need to get rid of what I’m not using.

I need to start painting that cabinet.

I need to exercise.

I need to work harder.

I need to finish my homework.

I need to finish getting rid of mom’s stuff.

(Makes you tired doesn’t it?)

It was so strange. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get ahead. I had a long list of to-dos and none ever got checked off. It was wearing me out!

I also struggled with my shopping addiction — my fill-up-my-emotional-void-escape-hatch of choice. My mom used to say that she created it. “Whenever you came home after a bad day, I took you shopping.” (Thankfully, these days, when it strikes I usually head to Goodwill instead of the mall. I have been buying and reselling vintage finds for years.) But it was still an escape. I simply did not want to be home in the mess of our remodel and all the unfinished projects that daily stared me down.

This year was starting out the same. I was sick on Christmas. My husband was sick on New Year’s. I was tired. He didn’t feel well. We have too much stuff…nothing was getting done…on and on and on and on…I was starting out just like last year.

Until I picked up that journal.

Flipping through the pages I discovered a conversation I had recorded with Larry. It was one of those days when I was telling him about my long to-do list and all I wasn’t getting done. (Bless his heart…seriously…he is a patient man.)

With a tired sigh he said, “Claudine, I would say 85 to 95 percent of what you talk about any more is what you are not getting done.”

OUCH!

Really?

Until I read it in my scrawled handwriting, I had forgotten that he said it. I think I blew it off in the pain of what was happening around us. Once again, I was living with expectation for others and not for myself. I was talking about what I couldn’t seem to finish.

Years ago I used to teach a class on how not to talk to yourself. It was between the trip to Phoenix and the years when my mom got sick. I taught it once a quarter to the women I was working with. “What you talk about you perpetuate,” I used to tell them.

What happened? Where did that person go?

But I knew…in the hardness of mom’s illness and the struggles I had after she passed away, I had completely forgotten what I used to know.

I remember one day last year asking God to free me from my need to fill-up the empty places with anything but Him. Somewhere in all of that emotion he reminded me that I was already free, I just needed to live like it.

Again, a message I let sail right over my head and not apply.

So I made a decision. Yes, I still have lots of stuff to go through. My to-do list is still long. I need to get rid of some possessions and some responsibilities. But talking about it will only perpetuate my struggle.

I need to be quiet and trust…trust that I am already free, that I will eventually get caught up, and that life is not as overwhelming as I make it.

You know what I’ve discovered?

My house is still a mess.

The remodel is not finished.

Yet my refusal to allow myself to talk about what I can’t finish and what I’m overwhelmed by has completely changed my spirit.

I’m not burdened. I’m not tired. And I’m slowly but surely getting things done. If the laundry isn’t folded – I’m not going to stress. If the blog isn’t written – no worries. If I still have seniors that I need to call on – I’ll get there.

I was cleaning the sink yesterday (that in itself is amazing) looking around at all there is to do in my kitchen and spontaneously said out loud to no one in particular, “I’ll get it done.”

I had to laugh at that.

The truth is…there will always be things I need to catch up on. But when I remember what I used to know…I can handle them.

Are there things  you need to remember that you used to know?