A hard heart.
Something we all understand…
…It comes from the pain we get when someone has hurt us. We put up a wall so we won’t get hurt again.
…It’s caused by the fear that grips us when we feel threatened. We turn from the one who caused it and resolve to stay away.
…It builds up along with anxiety when we hear of someone promoting something we don’t agree with. It is better to fight back than be taken over by their ideology.
All of these seem like good reasons to harden our hearts…to turn away…to be cautious.
We do it because we believe that a hard heart protects us.
But does it?
I’ve hardened my heart on more than one occasion…
…when I felt rejected. …when I was angry with someone who wouldn’t listen to my point of view. …when my freedom or way of life felt threatened. …when someone was different from me and I couldn’t or wouldn’t understand.Each time, what started out as protection or caution ended up changing my spirit as well.
Months ago, during a small group prayer time, a friend sitting next to me felt led to pray for a situation she knew had caused me pain.
However, instead of praying for me to not be hurt or for my wounds to heal (which I was comfortable with) she began to pray for the offender. She prayed for restoration and redemption and peace.
The moment the words came out of her mouth I physically reacted. I didn’t do it consciously, but it happened instantly. She was sitting to my left and I leaned to the right, as far away from her as I could go…away from the idea…away from the pain.
I didn’t want restoration.
I wanted to be right. I wanted to not hurt. I wanted to be able to stop thinking about it.I did not want restoration.
In that moment I knew that I had hardened my heart to the point of un-freedom.
When I am no longer free in my spirit to pray for the person or situation that has hurt me than I am the one who has become enslaved.
Hear me clearly my friends — it is not wrong to protect yourself. Protection is necessary. Hard hearts are understandable. But…part of being a follower of Christ means that we must stay softhearted towards those who have caused us grief.
It’s not natural. It isn’t normal. It can’t be done on its own.
How do you change a hard heart? Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:43-47 —
“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless…”These are hard words, but they are right words.
For me, the “energies of prayer” starts with something like this…
Lord, please give me a soft heart towards _______. Allow me to see them as you do. Give me a supernatural love for them. Show me how you want me to pray for them and then burden my heart to do it. Open my spirit towards them. Do good work in their life.
It isn’t easy. It feels strange. Most often I start it with a rebellious spirit. Eventually though…that act of obedient prayer will soften even my hard heart and I’ll begin to feel some relief towards my offender.
Dietrich Bonheoffer in his book, Life Together says, “I can no longer condemn or hate a brother for whom I pray, no matter how much trouble he causes me. His face, that hitherto may have been strange and intolerable to me, is transformed in intercession into the countenance of a brother for whom Christ died, the face of a forgiven sinner…to make intercession means to grant our brother the same right that we have received, namely, to stand before Christ and share in his mercy.”
I don’t know about you, but my “offended” list is long. It includes a hodge-podge of friends, family, co-workers, and politicians. It includes people on social media and terrorists. (And despite what some think, these two are not the same thing!)
Anything or anyone that I want to dislike becomes a candidate for that prayer. (And hopefully, if I’m on your list, you are praying for me,too.)
The amazing thing is that not only does it change them, but it also changes me.
It frees me. It allows me to breathe. It scrapes the callous off my heart and replaces it with fresh, new skin.
I’ve learned that redemption does not mean I have to be best friends with those who have offended me. Nor does it mean I have to embrace the situation that has caused me fear or pain.
It does, however, mean being open to allow God to work in creative ways. It requires that I remove my preconceived ideas of what justice should look like, and it forces me to understand that Christ offered his life for all the people involved — even those who make me cringe.
Prayer brings mercy. Mercy softens a heart.
Thankfully, Christ had a soft heart for me.
Are there those that you need to pray this prayer for? Take some time this week to go down your list and ask God to teach you His mercy. Ask Him to soften your heart.
How does one forgive/ pray for the individual that separated you from your spouse.
Loretta, your question makes my heart hurt. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a quick easy answer. I can’t. All I know is that for me, praying that prayer is more about obedience and less about how hurt I’m feeling.
I’ve actually told God that I “don’t like it, but I’m going to do it anyway.”
It still hurts, that doesn’t change…at least not quickly. But for me, praying despite the pain becomes an act of relinquishment I can offer God to show Him I choose to trust Him. It is uncomfortable…but when I’m consistent, I eventually experience healing.
For Loretta—I cannot imagine the pain and angst you have gone through indicated by you comment. I have no answers. only a heart that knows what Claudine says is true. Maybe baby steps will help .I will certainly pray for you and your offender/s.
Thank you, Claudine. I, too have been deeply wounded. The incident destroyed a friendship. Sad to say that I was not an innocent in the matter. I brought my heart before God many, many times to be healed of the bitterness and anger. I asked forgiveness. I served her communion. I prayed for her, for me, for our husbands, and that the children would not be exposed to the ugliness. It has been 13 or so years yet those memories linger. you are so absolutely correct, prayer brings mercy and mercy brings a soft heart.
For Loretta – I too have been where you are. It’s awful, it’s painful, it’s often debilitating. It’s also hurting only the one who hurts. My adult daughter brought that to my attention when I was 12 years outside of a divorce that “traded me in for a younger version.” I had thought I’d forgiven & moved on, but really was still holding a grudge. I’d like to say I’m past all of that, but truly it’s an ongoing process. I am finding freedom from anger, bitterness, and regret when I pray FOR them both, asking forgiveness for my own sin, and grace to forgive them for the hurt they have caused me and my children. In my own case, they don’t acknowledge that they’ve caused the pain, and deny the relationship while we were married, but it was happening. I’m learning to forgive even that, and try not to correct them or my kids when they make supporting or rationalizing comments for their “sin.” God is in control, and I know I feel better when I learn to forgive, but it is a long process. Talking about it helps too. Love to you Loretta!