How Long?

Last year was hard. Much harder than I thought possible.

It was a year with a long string of hurts, disappointments, and annoying health issues. I was tired, numb and I had lost my vision.

It reminded me of sitting in the dark after an Oklahoma thunderstorm has just knocked out the electricity. You technically know you are safe but until you find a flashlight you can’t really see what is around you or where to go.

“I don’t think God is answering prayers for me anymore,” I told Larry one day.

Then I realized…it wasn’t that He wasn’t answering…it was that I wasn’t asking. Unless I was with a group of friends who specifically asked me what I needed, I no longer asked for things that pertained to my personal life.

I saw answered prayer all the time. In fact, praying for others was the thing I did most often. But for me, for my personal life issues…all was quiet.

It was uncharacteristic, like I had shut the door on a friend. I couldn’t pray because my spirit was so achy and dry — the wounds from my hurt had bled out all my desire to talk to Him about anything that might cause me grief. Instead of allowing Him to hold me in my pain, I had turned away and pressed inward.

I was doing business-as-usual…praying…teaching…sharing my faith…visiting seniors – all normal things in my life, all places where I took care of others. But in reality I was lonely…parched…and very, very tired.  (I shared a bit about it here.)

I thought that once I recognized my thirst God would fill me quickly with a tall cup of His presence.

He didn’t. His silence was deafening.

There were days when I felt like David, when he questioned, “O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way?  How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?  Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes…” (Psalm 13 NLT)

So I chose a journey of obedience. I began to do the things I’d done before: Stop. Sit down. Pick up my Bible for more than five minutes. Write out a prayer. Stay in His company even if I didn’t feel comfortable there.

I found doubting was much easier than faith. Most days I couldn’t FEEL that He was present. But I had learned years ago that trusting Him is a choice so I continued to walk out that decision even when it felt lonely and dark.

One day, walking across a crowded parking lot and feeling especially lost, I mumbled a prayer, “God, please don’t leave me?”

“I will never leave you or forsake you,” He gently said.

I stopped in my tracks. My soul took a breath. It was HIM!

It was only a whisper, but it was a beginning — a promise of things to come…a stirring of the communication I had long been accustomed to.

Over time, I did share my distress with a few friends. Most were surprised. “You can’t have doubts, you have to pray for me,” one told me, laughing.

Another began to pray out loud in the crowded restaurant we were seated in, “God, I come against this confusion Claudine is feeling in the name of Jesus Christ. Remind her that you love her. Show her you are with her still.”

All the while I continued to walk (albeit not very fast). I was doing what I was called to do, even though I wasn’t always feeling it.

These last few weeks I have begun to see God move in my personal life in remarkable ways once again. I have no idea if the silence is completely over. All I know is the certainty of His presence fills my heart.

Looking back I recognize a couple of things I accidently did right. I don’t think I did them for the right reasons, but I think that choosing to do them made my way more sure.

I MOVED — My faith life was not pretty, but I didn’t stop doing what I had learned to do in the good moments. In the midst of the doubt and quiet, I moved. I prayed for others, I tried to read the Word. I attended church faithfully. I was obedient to the disciplines that I knew had brought me close to Him before.

I SHARED – Even though God’s voice was silent, mine wasn’t. I shared my loneliness with close friends. They knew my struggle and continued to pray for me as I journeyed through it.  Eventually, and not many weeks ago, I had the courage to share with my prayer team the darkness I had been feeling. The relief of my burden was instant.  Sharing with those 20 friends lightened my load almost immediately. I should have done it sooner.

I don’t have time or space to share all the prayers that have been answered in the last few weeks, but there have been many. Some were funny, some were sweet, a few have been prayers from years ago that have only now been answered. Each one has reminded me of His faithfulness.

I am uncertain why I had to go through this darkness. It wasn’t depression, at least not like I experienced decades ago. Instead, it was a spiritual distance from God unlike anything I have had before.

What if in my discouragement I had turned and walked away?

What if I had based my relationship with Him on how I felt in the moment?

For that matter, would I have even been content to walk towards Him in obedience if I hadn’t known His glory from before?

I don’t know.

What I do know is that the road to discovering lost intimacy is always hard. That daily consistent steps will always lead you closer to the one you long for. And that restoration, when it finally comes, is like a cool drink of water on a hot summer day…sweet…and fresh and perfectly satisfying.